Most of the time I ignore my 5-year-old daughter Beth’s temper tantrums. Last night I just couldn’t take it anymore so I sent her upstairs to her room. First she stomped on the stairs. Then she slammed the door so loudly I thought the house would fall apart. Next thing I heard was a loud banging sound. When I went up to investigate, there was Beth banging on her wall with the end of a toy broom, leaving black marks wherever the handle hit. I lost my temper and screamed and spanked her until we both felt awful. Give me a better way to handle such destructive behavior!
Give yourself a pat on the back for the way you usually handle her tantrums by ignoring them. That’s the best possible action you can take. Many kids stop having tantrums when they find they don’t get the audience the scene is designed to attract. Using the child‘s bedroom as a “time out“ area when you’re not able to ignore the tantrum is a reasonable alternative. Set a timer to ring when it’s okay for the child to come out.
The screaming and spanking, however, only escalated an already deteriorating situation. You would have been more effective had you simply gone into her room and quietly but firmly removed the toy broom. When you take such direct action, don’t reason with her or justify your actions at the time of the conflict – she’s too angry to hear what you say. Don’t lecture or talk to her about her unacceptable behavior at this point either – your words will fall on deaf ears. If, after the broom had been removed, she had then picked another object to abuse, you would merely repeat the procedure.
The time to teach her not to be destructive is the next day, after all the emotions have cooled off. What Beth needs is a safe, acceptable outlet for her anger. Stomping on the stairs, slamming her door, banging on the wall are all expressions of anger. Many kids, if not most, don’t know any other kinds of ways to deal with this difficult emotion.
First, talk to her about anger. Explain that all people feel angry and upset at times it’s perfectly normal. Then give her alternative ways to express her anger. She can either:
Express the anger verbally by finishing sentences like “I am mad because …“ or “I don’t like it when ..“
Dispel the anger physically by punching a pillow, wetting a washcloth and hitting it against the bathtub, stomping her feet outside or in the basement, throwing sponges against the side of the house, etc. Be creative together and devise other acceptable ways to express anger physically.
It’s helpful to read and discuss together some of the excellent children’s books on dealing with emotions. Your school or community librarian can show you what’s available.
After you’ve talked, the next step is to take some wall cleaner and have her help you remove the marks from her bedroom wall. She needs to take responsibility for repairing what she has damaged. Talk about other, pleasant subjects while you clean together. She’ll be impressed with your display of concern and caring when she knows she has been doing something wrong. This will make it more difficult for her to have future outbreaks of similar behaviors.
Finally, return the toy broom with the words “I’m sure this won’t happen again. I think you’re ready to have this back.“ Again, your expression of confidence in her abilities will strengthen her desire to cooperate and behave appropriately.
